haven't felt much like blogging

Reading other people's blogs is much more fun and reveals much more interesting stories than my Gravida 2 Para 0. Big fat 0 (or BF0). It's been about 5 weeks since the D&C and I'm just barely able to reconnect with my very pregnant friend after extricating myself from that relationship. We had a few tests done after the chromosome analysis of the heartbeatless embryo came up inconclusive - as in, not enough cells to analyze. This must be the worst possible test result to get, followed closely by the news of a balanced translocation or some other such thing that would have come from one of us. Anyway, haven't shed a tear in about 10 days, so I think I'm ready to move on. In episode of SATC, the show with SJP (you know, the one married to MB of FBDO fame), one of the girls said that it takes half of the amount of time spent in a relationship to get over it once it's over. This same thing can probably be said for an early miscarriage (miscarriages after there are distinguishable body parts and obvious gender predictors are another matter altogether, I think) - it probably took me about a month to stop relating everything back to the 2 month old embryo and to stop thinking about it at every waking moment. Now, I probably only think about it once every hour - not nearly as much as they say men think about sex. So, I think it's all good. At least until I hear the test results and agonize over the news of a translocation or worse yet, a clean slate and the voice of the doctor telling me once again that they can't figure out what the problem is.

the real and unreal

I am alternately hopeful and sad. not surprising since I've been on this roller coaster all week. Maybe that is what made me dizzy or maybe I'm going anemic from excessive Lovenox use. Dizziness is weird for me so maybe this is one of my pregnancy symptoms. That and lots of uterine pangs and off-and-on breast pain. This latter bit scares me as I'd had to have the pain and then lose it - seems like a foreshadowing. I don't have excessively dry hair, which I expected, just the normal thick mop. Those might be my only symptoms unless you count moodiness which is probably from my lack of sleep. 2 more hours until I get this morning's results.

dateless part 2

still waiting for the second HCG test resutls. I'm expecting it to go up but not to double. Maybe one of the 3 embryos are still around.

dateless

my botched schedule dream

Last night I had a dream (a few of them I think) that I was in school and it was the first day of classes, but I couldn't find my schedule among my mix of papers, including embryology reports. I made it through the first day of 4 classes, I think I found the schedule. On the second day, it was the same thing, but I didn't have the schedule at all. I hoped that the classes were the same as the first day and when I showed up to the classroom that was supposed to be some sort of higher math class, I asked the TA-looking person standing outside what the class was called. She rattled off some very difficult-sounding long name that didn't have any distinguishing words in it. I asked her if it was math. Then my dream ended. I remember being only moderately annoyed because I figured I could catch what I missed on the internet broadcast. I was also taking French in the afternoon, possibly because I am extremely jealous of my French friend who has a 6 month old - she started trying about 8 months after I did.

Very strange, not only because for the past years that we've been trying to conceive, I haven't remembered very many dreams (maybe a handful). I can only interpret the missing schedule as my totally messed up kid-making schedule. I should have a couple by now. The not-being-upset part was definitely uncharacteristic but maybe reflects my recent attempts to adopt a more zen attitude (it's going to happen but at a time known only by Buddha himself). I have had a much better attitude about it lately but the doubts about whether it's meant to be have resurfaced, particularly when it takes me over a week to recover from egg retrieval surgery, not to mention the pains I had from overstimulating my ovaries before the retrieval, and now the 9 day wait (it's down to 7 now). It is all so much to bear.

I'm usually very controlling and always on time for things. Maybe I need to stop doing that, so that this won't seem so bad. Maybe I won't post for a few months, and be a real slacker. oh wait, I'v already done that. Maybe I am more zen now.

Women who drink wine get pregnant more quickly

http://www.bmj.com/cgi/content/full/327/7413/468-c

if you say so...

imagined sense of urgency

I realized something today that I hope will really help me cope with all of this infertility madness. I realized that I am completely stressed out about it because I haven't yet convinced myself that it's not the end of the world, or the end of my chances to have children. The sense of urgency that I have right after I get a negative result just brews inside of me. I usually don't get to talk to the doctors about the next steps until a few days after (6 in this most recent case), so the what next? plans linger in my mind. Fortunately, at the last discussion with my doctor I had asked what was next for 2 upcoming cycles. So, for now, I am caught up. Yet, I am still able to get myself in a such a tizzy and to a point where I'm nauseous (and obviously not because I'm pregnant). What I need is support during the few days after the negative, when it seems like I won't get through it. It is some consolation as time goes on that I do seem to get through these times, and get on quite well. So, while I have yet to figure out exactly what I need during the first few days (a good friend, possibly also infertile and TTC?), I have found some solace in the plan. One new plan that I've formulated after telling G that we should start imagining our lives without kids (and having the obligatory adoption conversation again) is to just set a time and money cutoff to the whole thing. I think I'd be comfortable with the idea that if I'm not at least 2 months pregnant in June of 2008, and we've spent more than $50K out of pocket, then it is time to give up. Maybe this isn't enough, but unless the downs after the negative get less low, I don't think I can take much longer than another 1.5 years.

I'm tired

I worked hard in graduate school and I work hard at my job. I'm only 33 but I'm tired. Life shouldn't be so difficult. I got another BFN this morning after a 3rd FET. What the heck is wrong with me? The doc seems to think that 9 wasted embryos is still within the statistical 30% probability of one of them sticking. What a load of crap. There's something up with the embryos themselves or I am not a good vessel somehow. Well, there's only a few left in the liquid nitrogen anyway, so we'll have killed 13 embryos and about $20K with absolutely nothing to show for it. If anything, we've gone back to 2005 when we thought everything would work (indeed, I stimulated very well this year and they made a lot of embryos to play with) to having most likely to go through more testing. I didn't even get a chemical pregnancy - even a little glimmer of hope that this is not all for naught. blah.