Pineapple and Progesterone

One girl's struggles to come to grips with considering herself "infertile"

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

my botched schedule dream

Last night I had a dream (a few of them I think) that I was in school and it was the first day of classes, but I couldn't find my schedule among my mix of papers, including embryology reports. I made it through the first day of 4 classes, I think I found the schedule. On the second day, it was the same thing, but I didn't have the schedule at all. I hoped that the classes were the same as the first day and when I showed up to the classroom that was supposed to be some sort of higher math class, I asked the TA-looking person standing outside what the class was called. She rattled off some very difficult-sounding long name that didn't have any distinguishing words in it. I asked her if it was math. Then my dream ended. I remember being only moderately annoyed because I figured I could catch what I missed on the internet broadcast. I was also taking French in the afternoon, possibly because I am extremely jealous of my French friend who has a 6 month old - she started trying about 8 months after I did.

Very strange, not only because for the past years that we've been trying to conceive, I haven't remembered very many dreams (maybe a handful). I can only interpret the missing schedule as my totally messed up kid-making schedule. I should have a couple by now. The not-being-upset part was definitely uncharacteristic but maybe reflects my recent attempts to adopt a more zen attitude (it's going to happen but at a time known only by Buddha himself). I have had a much better attitude about it lately but the doubts about whether it's meant to be have resurfaced, particularly when it takes me over a week to recover from egg retrieval surgery, not to mention the pains I had from overstimulating my ovaries before the retrieval, and now the 9 day wait (it's down to 7 now). It is all so much to bear.

I'm usually very controlling and always on time for things. Maybe I need to stop doing that, so that this won't seem so bad. Maybe I won't post for a few months, and be a real slacker. oh wait, I'v already done that. Maybe I am more zen now.


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