the real and unreal

I am alternately hopeful and sad. not surprising since I've been on this roller coaster all week. Maybe that is what made me dizzy or maybe I'm going anemic from excessive Lovenox use. Dizziness is weird for me so maybe this is one of my pregnancy symptoms. That and lots of uterine pangs and off-and-on breast pain. This latter bit scares me as I'd had to have the pain and then lose it - seems like a foreshadowing. I don't have excessively dry hair, which I expected, just the normal thick mop. Those might be my only symptoms unless you count moodiness which is probably from my lack of sleep. 2 more hours until I get this morning's results.

dateless part 2

still waiting for the second HCG test resutls. I'm expecting it to go up but not to double. Maybe one of the 3 embryos are still around.

dateless

my botched schedule dream

Last night I had a dream (a few of them I think) that I was in school and it was the first day of classes, but I couldn't find my schedule among my mix of papers, including embryology reports. I made it through the first day of 4 classes, I think I found the schedule. On the second day, it was the same thing, but I didn't have the schedule at all. I hoped that the classes were the same as the first day and when I showed up to the classroom that was supposed to be some sort of higher math class, I asked the TA-looking person standing outside what the class was called. She rattled off some very difficult-sounding long name that didn't have any distinguishing words in it. I asked her if it was math. Then my dream ended. I remember being only moderately annoyed because I figured I could catch what I missed on the internet broadcast. I was also taking French in the afternoon, possibly because I am extremely jealous of my French friend who has a 6 month old - she started trying about 8 months after I did.

Very strange, not only because for the past years that we've been trying to conceive, I haven't remembered very many dreams (maybe a handful). I can only interpret the missing schedule as my totally messed up kid-making schedule. I should have a couple by now. The not-being-upset part was definitely uncharacteristic but maybe reflects my recent attempts to adopt a more zen attitude (it's going to happen but at a time known only by Buddha himself). I have had a much better attitude about it lately but the doubts about whether it's meant to be have resurfaced, particularly when it takes me over a week to recover from egg retrieval surgery, not to mention the pains I had from overstimulating my ovaries before the retrieval, and now the 9 day wait (it's down to 7 now). It is all so much to bear.

I'm usually very controlling and always on time for things. Maybe I need to stop doing that, so that this won't seem so bad. Maybe I won't post for a few months, and be a real slacker. oh wait, I'v already done that. Maybe I am more zen now.