imagined sense of urgency

I realized something today that I hope will really help me cope with all of this infertility madness. I realized that I am completely stressed out about it because I haven't yet convinced myself that it's not the end of the world, or the end of my chances to have children. The sense of urgency that I have right after I get a negative result just brews inside of me. I usually don't get to talk to the doctors about the next steps until a few days after (6 in this most recent case), so the what next? plans linger in my mind. Fortunately, at the last discussion with my doctor I had asked what was next for 2 upcoming cycles. So, for now, I am caught up. Yet, I am still able to get myself in a such a tizzy and to a point where I'm nauseous (and obviously not because I'm pregnant). What I need is support during the few days after the negative, when it seems like I won't get through it. It is some consolation as time goes on that I do seem to get through these times, and get on quite well. So, while I have yet to figure out exactly what I need during the first few days (a good friend, possibly also infertile and TTC?), I have found some solace in the plan. One new plan that I've formulated after telling G that we should start imagining our lives without kids (and having the obligatory adoption conversation again) is to just set a time and money cutoff to the whole thing. I think I'd be comfortable with the idea that if I'm not at least 2 months pregnant in June of 2008, and we've spent more than $50K out of pocket, then it is time to give up. Maybe this isn't enough, but unless the downs after the negative get less low, I don't think I can take much longer than another 1.5 years.